Poolside Confessions
by kkiiittttyyyyy
Summary: POSSIBBLY ABANDONED. You know there is something wrong when you are sitting on a lawn chair in front of the swimming pool talking to your best friend at 2:00 in the morning. More so when you are munching on snacks that probably belong in the toilet bowl.
1. Poolside Confessions

**Disclaimer: I don't own GG. At all. *Sigh***

**A/N: I posted this last night around 2:00 AM. I reread it this morning and noticed some errors. Plus, I've realized that one of the reviewers was right, the second person point of view definitely didn't work in this story. :) (Oh and I think I've finally gotten rid of all the kinks. :D )**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. If people like it enough, I might make it multi-chapter. I already have a plot in line. :)**

***************

_You know there is something wrong when you are sitting on a lawn chair in front of the swimming pool talking to your best friend at two o'clock in the morning. More so when you are the only ones out, dressed in your nighties and munching on food that probably belong in the toilet bowl instead._

"S," Blair whispers quietly. Serena gives her a knowing look and she lets out an uncharacteristic sigh. "It's just that I…"

"What? Never knew he still meant a lot to you?"

"I – well – no! I'm just miffed, that's all."

"About?" Trust Serena to get her normally cool and composed best friend to openly admit how the latter felt behind her facade. The blonde was never good with questions that were answerable with yes or no. Come to think of it, she never really asked those. Most of the time she just said a word or two, using bait to fish out whatever information she wanted. It always came to her, just like everything else in her life.

"That girl's manners – or lack thereof. She has absolutely no class, no _delicadeza_," Blair replies with a huff.

"You're jealous aren't you?"

"No! Our relationship ended years ago. Four to be exact. I harbor no feelings for Nate Archibald any longer."

"Aren't we getting a little defensive, B? I mean, I just asked if you were jealous, not if you were still in love with him," she says teasingly.

"I just wanted to make things clear. But to answer your question, no, I do not feel jealousy of any sort. Only pity, perhaps. Poor Archibald, stuck with such a hussy."

"You don't really know Laly personally, you know."

"Well I don't have to! She's clearly a skank with no breeding whatsoever."

"And just what did she do to you except be Nate's latest girlfriend?"

"Why, she was all over him! If she had class, she would know better than to flaunt their relationship in front of an old flame. She practically jumped him! And she made sure I saw every caress, every whisper – Ugh! It was just appalling!"

"B, come on. It was nothing and you know it. Maybe she's a teensy bit more clingy than others but we've all had our days, haven't we?" She looks at Blair pointedly and the latter defiantly juts out her chin. She has, however, nothing to reply to her best friend's quiet accusation. After all, she did date his best friend in front of him, even went so far as to make the said best friend jealous by flaunting Lord Marcus that summer before senior year. Blair is no amateur in the field of jealous plots and fake clingy-ness.

"Whatever S." The pair is quiet for a while, both staring at the pool's waters. Absently, Blair wonders if it is the tile design that gives the water a blue green hue or if the chlorine was what caused it. All of a sudden she remembers one of her telephone sessions with Nate. They were thirteen then and bored, reduced to asking each other the most random – albeit stupid – questions that entered their mind. The question pertaining to the swimming pool water was one of them.

"Seriously B, it still bothers you doesn't it?"

"Of course no- "

"B!"

"Fine! Maybe a little. But it's not because I still love him. I mean, I have Chuck now. And despite my mother's – and just about everyone else's – belief that he's no good for me, he is a good boyfriend. We're good together, S. I can be myself with him. I can laugh and be crazy and evil and know that he won't care because he loves me."

"Or because he's even crazier and more evil than you are!"

"Maybe so. But the point is, I'm in a good place right now. Things might not have turned out the way I wanted them to but I'm happy."

"And so?"

"My life is in order, like it should be. Seeing him, being near him, it doesn't belong in any of this. Me being bothered by his new girl – that shouldn't be happening!"

"Yet it is, isn't it?"

"Yes," Blair says quietly. Silence hovers over the girls again as they struggle with their personal thoughts.

So much has happened in the last few years. When she was fifteen, things were simpler. Serena was her best friend, Nate was her boyfriend. Her father was still in the closet, her mother's bitch level was lower than it is now and things more or less ran smoothly. She had the perfect grades, the right amount of extra-curricular work. Getting into her chosen university was more or less a sure thing. Heck, she'd had her whole life planned out!

After high school, she would enter Yale with Nate. The both of them would live separately the first couple of years and maybe move in together near the end of college. He'd propose to her after they graduated, she'd say yes but tell him she wanted to wait a while first. The both of them would get jobs, have their own money apart from the vast wealth they would inherit from their respective families before finally tying the knot a couple of years later. The children would come right after, twins preferably, a girl and boy that would be the perfect blend of their gorgeous parents. Nate would take over the family business while she succeeded as a corporate lawyer. Of course, the both of them would be there for their children, the perfect parents. They'd have parties, attend galas and balls, be the perfect couple everyone always said they were and would be.

Blair wonders sometimes about what happened to those dreams – and ultimately the girl who dreamt them up in the first place.

"She grew up," she whispers.

"What B?"

"Nothing," Blair says with a weak smile. Things were doing better now than they had in the last few years. Harvard wasn't Yale but it was good enough. Chuck wasn't Nate but he had his good qualities too. He was strangely sensitive to the things Nate just seemed to ignore and he certainly kept her up on her toes. She was happy enough – most of the time. Once or maybe twice every six months since high school she thought about Nate but that was mostly it though. Freshman year of college, she heard he was dating a girl in Dartmouth, a short brunette heiress. When that relationship fizzled, she found herself smiling. That was mostly because Anne Archibald had told her what an "awful" girl she was. "So unlike you Blair," were here exact words.

"S, can I make a confession?"

"Of course!"

"You know how I've always planned my perfect wedding?"

Serena rolled her eyes and laughed. "Of course B! You told everyone about how your wedding – to Nate, I might add – would be the wedding of the century. We were maybe eight and you were already claiming that your wedding would beat that of Lady Di's!"

"Well you know, I still think about it a lot."

"Your wedding day? Who doesn't? I think every girl dreams of that big day. Yours will probably be perfect! I mean, you've been planning it for so long!" she frowned slightly. "Although the groom role may have to be – uh – modified slightly."

"Or not."

"Wha - ? You just said you were over him, B. And I can see you're happy with Chuck. I mean, yeah, I personally love interrogating you about the Golden Boy but all these years, you've never shown any sign of interest. It's almost like you erased him from your world completely."

"Well, I don't know. It's just that, well, no matter how hard I try, when I picture myself in that white gown with the flowers and with the whole of New York's eyes on me, the groom – when he turns – I still see Nate Archibald." She looks pleadingly at her best friend. "Tell me the truth! Am I crazy to still be holding on to some hope or idea that one day, I will be married to him anyway?"

Serena bites her bottom lip and furrows her eyebrows. "No."

"What?"

"No. I said no. You're not crazy."

"Why the hell not?!"

"Because when I think about it, when I imagine myself walking down that aisle as your maid of honor, I find myself looking up at the best man and I see Chuck Bass."

"That's different. You're just saying Chuck isn't right for me – just like the rest of the world, I might add."

"No, let me finish. I also see you Blair. I see you walking down that aisle behind me, a smile on your face. You'll look happy and in love and beautiful and radiant…And when you take the groom's arm, I see a happy couple who've been in love since they were too young to even know what the word meant. I see my best friends. Blair and Nate. B and N. Waldorf and Archibald. Just like it's always been."

Blair gives her a sad smile and unfolds her legs. "If you're so certain, then why does life seem to be so…so…"

"Uncertain?"

"Yes, for a lack of a better word."

"Well, I don't know. Another one of its quirks maybe?"

"How do I fix this?"

"Nothing. Don't do anything. Let it be, Blair. Things will turn out."

"But what if they don't? Shouldn't I do something? Plot to break them up? Mix up some potion?" Blair shakes her head in exasperation. "God, here I go again! I'm forgetting what's important. I. Have. Chuck. I have Chuck. IhaveChuck."

"Chill, B. Like I said, just leave it alone. If you do anything now, it might end up ruining things for the both of you. So just enjoy life. Have a blast with Chuck, get that diploma you've always wanted. Things don't always have to follow a single pattern. There's not one road to follow."

"But I'm just about overflowing with emotion. And you know how I get."

"Yes, I do. You open that notorious mouth of yours and end up making a mess of things. You hurry too much, always impatient to get the desired result. Learn to wait it out. And remember that the journey's as important as the destination."

"Ugh. Since when have you become the emotionally stable half of this friendship?"

"Since I fell in love with Dan?" she replies dreamily.

"Ick. Lonely boy. I don't know what you - "

_RING! RING! RING!_

"N! It's you. Oh. Oh okay. B and I are on our way."

When she flips her phone shut, Blair gives her one of her scariest glares. "Did you just tell Nate we would be going to wherever he – and that slut-skank-whore – are?"

"Yes and no. He's at the Palace, grabbing a few drinks with the old gang. They're feeling all nostalgic and they want us there to complete the picture. Laly – or as you say, that slut-skank-whore – went home hours ago with a headache."

"Hmph."

"So. Let's split."

"It's nearly four in the morning, S."

"Since when have you cared about being out this late?"

"Since high school graduation. Since I reformed and left this life – and Nate Archibald, for that matter – behind." Serena gives her a smirk and Blair is tempted to stick her tongue out. "Well maybe the leaving Nate part isn't so true. But the reforming part is!"

"Oh come on, B! You know you can't resist a good night – or morning – of drinking with us. Nor can you resist some N-oggling time."

"No comment," Blair replies with a slight smile. "Or. Wait. What the hell, this one time. This one last time."

"Hah. You know you can't leave this part of your life completely behind, don't you?"

"I can try."

"Will you? I mean, we both know how much this all - this old routine - still means to you. How much HE still means to you."

"Ugh. I hate having a weakness."

Her bestfriend, the reason for most of this mess anyway, stands up and grabs Blair by the wrist. "Oh come on, B! Stop overanalyzing everything! It's just a night of fun and drinks and come to think of it, Chuck's going to be there. Go make out with him in front of Nate as payback for the Laly thing if you want," she teases.

"Now, there's a thought!" Blair replies standing up and brushing imaginary dirty off her nightie.

"Nah, you wouldn't," she says, suddenly serious, as she stares at Blair fixedly. "You wouldn't."

"I wouldn't?"

"You care about his feelings too much. You don't want him to be hurt or bothered or disturbed in any way. Still the martyr. Still looking out for Natie."

"Always have, always will, right?" Blair says at last with defeat.

Serena hooks her arm with Blair's and gives the Queen B a big smile. "Right. Now come on, stop being so mopey and be happy. Forget about the Nate troubles. Things will boil over someday. Meanwhile, enjoy what's here. What's now."

_You know that things are going to get better when you go out into the night hand-in-hand with your best friend, hail a cab and meet the rest of the gang. More so when you know that beyond the drinks and the partying that await you that night, there lies a future with the one who's always owned your heart._

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! :)**


	2. Riverside Confessions

**Disclaimer: GG isn't mine. Clearly. I wouldn't be writing this if it were! :D**

**A/N: Hey guys! Soooo, here it is, the second chapter. Even after all your reviews (Thank you so much for them, by the way.) I still wasn't sure if my story was worth continuing. But then I realized I couldn't pass up the chance to make some great (future) N/B action so here it is. :) I also realized Chuck's been pretty absent so far even if this is (sort of) an N/B/C triangle but don't worry, his time will come. Haha. Here it goes! :)  
**

They say time heals all wounds. Still some would beg to disagree. Wounds have the tendency to fester, to turn green and eat away at your skin as you force yourself to think that everything is fine, that the pain will go away. You stare at the pristine white bandage wrapped around your finger and you think, "It's getting better." But the question is, is it really?

***

"S! What the hell are we doing here?" Blair huffs as she steps out of the limousine. She's willingly gone along with Serena's antics over the years but this time, the blonde had definitely gone out of bounds. "We could get arrested or killed or…"

"We're juuuuuuust having fuuuuuuun!" Blair's bestfriend replies as she twirls around happily. "Loosen up, okay?"

"I am all loosened up…Loosened up enough so I could kill you for getting me into this!"

"Oh come on Waldorf," snorts a voice beside her. "Where's the spirit? We only get together once in a while. Can't you at least act happy about it?"

"Who said I wanted to get together with you all?" Blair replies coldly. She immediately regrets her words when she turns and sees a look of pain flash in Nate Archibald's eyes. Even Serena finds herself stopping her twirling long enough to move her gaze from her best friend to her best friend's ex.

"So that's it, huh?"

"What?"

"You don't want to be here," Nate shakes his head sadly. "You don't want to be here because you think you're better than us. You think you could do better than hang out with a bunch of drunk and drugged up people in the middle of nowhere…even if they are some of the best friends you've ever had."

"Oh whatever. Cut the crap Archibald. The dramatic stuff doesn't suit you. Besides, you know that's not true. I've never thought that."

"Right," the sarcasm in his voice is evident and Blair can't help but turn red. So maybe she had a superiority complex in high school. But that was years ago and she's certainly grown up and gotten past it.

"So maybe I was a little judgmental."

"Maybe," Nate turns his back on the brunette and she feels the tears behind her eyes threaten to overflow. Tonight is the first time she's seen him in five months. The last had been at the Palace the summer before. It was the night Blair admitted to Serena – and to herself – for the first time that she wasn't quite over her first love. Now here he is again, as gorgeous as ever, and still tearing her heart up into little pieces.

How could he be such an ass about it? Wasn't he the one who ultimately did their relationship in? If he hadn't slept with Serena, things would've turned out the way they wanted them to – the way they were supposed to. Sure, she slept with Chuck but all's fair in love and war. He hurt her that night and the playboy just happened to be there to pick up the pieces. Well, maybe it was more like Chuck dropping the pieces of her clothing on the limo floor. Still, Nate was the one who had broken her up inside. He was the one who shattered her dreams, the reason why she wasn't living the perfect Upper East Side life that she'd been intent on living.

Blair closes her eyes in confusion as thoughts about her turbulent past with Nate floods her mind. She glances in his general direction and feels a stab of pain in her heart. Waving a bottle of vodka in his hand and dancing with Kati to imaginary music, he looks as beautiful as he did when they were young and in love. And yet, something about him has changed. He's no longer brooding and quiet. He actually reminds her more of the old Chuck.

Have things changed so drastically that Nate and Chuck have actually traded places in the world?

"Need a drink?" Serena asks her best friend as she settles on the other side of the flat stone where Blair had sought refuge. Before them, the water of the East River rushes gently and the brunette feels herself relax.

"Yes, thank you," Blair replies as she takes the bottle of beer into her hand and takes a swig. "Uck. Now I remember why I never drank this in high school. It tastes horrible."

"One of high school's most important lessons, B?"

"Thou shall not drink beer? Yes, definitely." Blair places the bottle next to her foot and sighs. "Do you miss it?"

"What, high school?"

"Yeah."

"Uhmm…Yeah, I guess I do. It was a lot of fun. We were always partying, not caring about the rest of our lives or the rest of the world, for that matter."

"We were selfish."

"Yes, to put it bluntly," Serena laughingly says. She sees the expression on her best friend's face and asks, "Is something bothering you? Did you and Chuck fight?"

"Of course not, Chuck and I are…Well, we're great, actually."

"That's good, B. Very good."

"Yes. Yes it is."

"So what's bothering you then?"

"I…I don't know…" Unconsciously, Blair's eyes wander towards Nate again. Serena follows her gaze and suddenly realizes what's been bothering her friend.

"It's him again, isn't it?"

"Isn't it always?"

"What's the problem now? I saw him go near you a while ago. What'd he do?"

"He, well…Uhmm…"

"B?"

"He insinuated some things."

"Like?"

"Me being judgmental and thinking I was better than the rest of you." Blair looks worriedly at Serena and the latter opens her mouth, willing words of comfort to come out. Somehow, they don't and the both of them fall quiet.

Blair led a childhood very much unlike that of other children. She was a Waldorf and Waldorfs had always been different. When she was in kindergarten, she wore only the latest designer children's dresses. These dresses remained immaculate all throughout the day. Somehow, the paint, glue, milk, juice and other stain-inducing materials never got to them. Grace and poise – apart from otherworldly cleanliness - came naturally. They were things she never had to train herself to imbibe or possess. Elementary school was no different. Blair remained prim and proper, the perfect student, as well as the perfect daughter. In high school, she was royalty. "Queen" was a title she shared with Serena Van Der Woodsen albeit one they shared unwillingly. Yes, Blair had always been different. It was something she was born with. Her status may have screwed with her head at times but it was undeniable. She truly was better than most – too bad she had to be the best too.

Things were never simple in her life. Sure, it seemed quite charmed when viewed from the outside. Inside, however, it was as messed up – probably even more messed up – than those of normal people. Blair managed to be the best – most of the time – but it wasn't always easy. The brunette had been born with the right weapons with which to face life. She had the looks, the brains, the body, the pedigree and the money. All these, however, were raw materials that she still had to work with in order to make success viable. Everything else, she had to deal with herself anyway. There were times when the pressure was too much. It took a toll on her and drove her crazy. She made many rash decisions, a lot of them she regretted – some of them she would never be able to take back.

"I am sorry, you know," Blair says breaking the silence. "If I was immature in the way I dealt with things before."

"You were," her best friend replies quietly. "But who could blame you, B? You might have been a bitch but you had every right to be."

"Well, I – no, no I didn't. My now mature mind refuses to agree with that."

"Fine, maybe you didn't have every right. But it wasn't totally your fault either. I know you. I know your family. I know what you had to cope with. The pressure was too much, I guess."

"You were able to deal with it okay though. I mean, our lives don't actually mirror each other but we were faced with a lot of the same things."

"You think I dealt with it okay?"

"Yeah, I guess so. You were never really a bitch like I was," Blair replies. Laughingly, she adds, "Except maybe for that time in senior year when you and Dan broke up."

"I was a bitch, wasn't I?" Serena giggles as she remembers how she and Blair had fought so hard then for who would ultimately be the Queen of Constance-Billard. Secretly, she had always believed that the title belonged to her best friend. What she did then was more of her way of dealing with her grief than an open onslaught of hatred for Blair.

"Yes, you were. But then that was one time."

"Well, maybe I just dealt with my pain differently, B. I might not have turned into the Bitch Queen but I was a relentless party girl. I think I drunk away all my problems for a while there. Or sex-ed them all out."

Both girls are laughing at Serena's last statement when they notice a tall figure hover above them. Nate plops down in between them, spilling the beer beside Blair's foot. As he turns to face Serena, the girls smell the vodka on his breath. His ex-girlfriend is about to scold him for interrupting them when he says something that, for a moment, scares the living daylights out of them both.

"Serena, can you please give us a moment alone? I need to speak to Blair privately."

Unable to give a proper reply, Serena merely nods and gets up, taking her bottle of beer with her. She gives Blair a confused smile and mouths the words, "I'll be right there with Kati and Isabel."

"Blair." Nate says when Serena is a few meters away.

"Nate."

The pair is silent for a while when Nate suddenly break the quiet. "I'm sorry about earlier. For that…comment. It was out of line."

"It was also true," she replied uncomfortably.

"Well, regardless of whether it was true or not, I will no longer bring the subject up."

"Oh. Well. Okay. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Blair." As he gives her one of his killer smiles, Blair feels the butterflies in her stomach fluttering madly. She silently scolds herself, however, and forces her brain to conjure up an image of Chuck instead. "So, where's my best friend? I would've thought he'd take this break from school as a chance to spend more time with you."

"He's in Italy for a week." Seeing the suspicious look come over Nate's face, she quickly adds, "It's a school thing. He and some classmates are supposed to come up with a proposal for a marketing class."

"I see. Well, it seems like Chuck is truly a changed man."

"Yes, he is." Uncomfortable with talking about her present boy with her ex, Blair decides to change the subject. "So, how about Laly? Where is she?"

"Ireland to visit family. Her flight back is the day after tomorrow."

They proceed to talk about mundane things – school, family, vacations. After a while, Blair decides to be a little forward. "I'm sorry Nate," she squeeks.

"For what?"

"Everything I guess. I hurt you."

"I hurt you first."

"No, I – ah – don't think you did. I had a tendency to…hurt people a lot before. Unintentionally, most of the time, but I hurt you all the same."

"Well…"

"I didn't mean to, honestly. Not at first," her voice gains volume and she feels a little bit more confident. "It's just that I was going through so much. I felt like the whole world was pressuring me to be somebody. It kind of got into my head, you know? I think it even reached the point where I wanted the people around me to be perfect too. I was hurting inside but I couldn't get it out."

Nate is quiet before he says with a trace of bitterness, "You could've told me Blair. Why didn't you?"

"You wouldn't have understood!"

"How could you say that?"

"You were too – I don't know – preoccupied! You were always drinking and smoking pot and all that!" Blair's eyes begin to sting and she thinks this conversation definitely isn't going the way she wanted it to.

"See! There it is again!" The bitterness in Nate's voice is replaced by anger and the brunette before him can't help but cower a little. "You were always thinking I couldn't or wouldn't be good enough! We were best friends long before we ever became a couple. You used to tell me everything. When we started dating, I guess I thought things would still stay that way, you know. But it was like all of a sudden, things were different between us. There was a wall I couldn't go through anymore."

"That's ridiculous – I still shared things with you!"

"Maybe but you left things out too! While I appreciated the stories about your family, school and even Serena, it would've done us better if you'd told me about YOU – you were the most important out of all of them, Blair. But you kept it all from me - how you felt deep inside, how you were doing...You never said anything! It was all your fault we drifted apart!"

Blair feels her face turning red. "How dare you place all the blame on me?!" The tears start to fall but she wipes them away forcefully and gets up. "I don't know why I even bothered to say sorry! You are an ass! An arrogant ass! I know I made my mistakes Nate Archibald. I was cold and I was a bitch most of the time but that was all with good reason! I've grown up somewhat but I see you haven't! You still can't – or is it won't – understand! I was right all along! You were, are and will always be an immature good-for-nothing!" Blair quickly turns and Nate mentally kicks himself. He's never been good at serious conversations and the alcohol is playing madly with his mind.

Nate grabs her hand and is struck when he sees all the tears streaming down her face. "Look B, I'm sorry, okay? I – I really am. I didn't mean it and I'm sorry. I promise."

"Since when have your promises held any credence, Archibald?" Blair retorts scathingly. She walks away and as he stares at her retreating back, Nate realizes he has failed her once again.

***

Yes, wounds do fester. When you take the bandages away, you hope to God that it'll somehow heal. Too bad the pain will have to get worse before it starts getting better.

**A/N: Well, hope you enjoyed it! :)**


	3. Streetside Confessions

**Disclaimer: Same, same. GG ain't mine. :D**

**A/N: I'm noting that the previous chapter might have been a little boring. This is hopefully jucier. ;) Trouble in Waldorf-Bass paradise, anyone? Enjoy! :)**

_Being born into the limelight is a blessing – most of the time anyway. People follow you everywhere. It seems like you are never alone. You take one step and someone takes it with you. Laughter bubbles out of your lips and for sure someone out there will attempt to laugh with you. But what happens when you take that step and trip? When the laughter turns into tears and cries of agony? Where are the people then?_

_***_

When Blair Waldorf was in high school, she was rarely alone. There always seemed to be people trailing after her – young, innocent school girls fantasizing about having lives as glamorous as hers seemed to be and boys of all ages fantasizing about other things altogether. Teachers and administrators at Constance-Billard constantly turned to her for her leadership skills – despite their notoriety – and efficiency in handling extra-curricular projects. Her mother, although quite capable and efficient in her own right, wouldn't know what to do without her. The older Waldorf might have made a litany of Blair's flaws but she still greatly dependent on her daughter. Everyone seemed to depend on her, for one reason or another. If not to be the perfect daughter, best friend or girl friend, they depended on her to be evil, bitchy and scheming, a confirmation that perfection was non-existent – at least not in the Upper East Side.

Blair fishes her mobile phone out of her bag as she exits Barneys. She gives herself a little smile when she sees the name flashing on the screen. "Chuck! It's you!"

"Uh-huh. Hot stuff here," Chuck teases on the other line.

"Where the hell are you and what are you up to? Four days into Christmas vacation and I haven't seen you since we got off that plane from the airport," replies Blair petulantly.

"Terribly sorry, B. My dad is being very…Bart Bass recently."

"Oh. Giving you a hard time about school again?" Chuck can sense the concern in her voice and silently thanks God for sending him a girl like her.

"Yeah, pretty much. I really don't understand why he insists on scolding me. I've been a model son and student the past few years."

"Yes, darling, you have. Lost the 'ass' in Bass, if I do say so myself."

"Oh well. Used to it by now. Anyway, that isn't why I called."

"Oh?"

"The thing is, he's dragging me to Australia."

"What? But it's a couple of days 'til Christmas! Whatever will you do there for a day?"

"We're not staying for a day, B."

"Oh. My. God. Do not tell me that you're staying there for the holidays."

"I'm really sorry, babe. It's just that – "

Recovering herself, Blair says into the phone, "It's okay. You have to go with him Chuck."

"You sure? You had Christmas for us all planned out. And I really did mean to spend the next few days with you, y'know. But – oh! ─ don't worry. I'll get you something nice. A lot of 'somethings' even. Damn, I can't believe he's making me leave you!"

"I'll survive, Chuck. It's okay," she replies a bit dryly. "Of course it'll be a little hard having the two most important people − "

"Two?"

"I meant Serena, of course."

"Oh well she's staying here in New York."

"Really?"

"Yeah. The three of them are. Lily and Eric too, I mean. I actually think Dad and Lily have gotten into some sort of rift. They're not coming with us. This Aussie outing is strictly for the Bass men."

"Weird."

"Yes. Well – damn, there he goes! I have to go, B! My flight's later tonight. I'll try to drop by your penthouse before I go but I think it's a long shot. If things go well enough, I'll see you before New Year's, okay?"

"Okay. Fine. Bye."

"Bye…Oh and Blair?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I-I love you too."

Blair was never that good with lying. It was more Nate's forte, come to think of it. Serena was as bad a liar as she was. Going back to the conversation she'd had with Chuck earlier, she knew that her boyfriend had probably sensed that something was amiss in the Waldass **(A/N: That's one of the B/C ship names, right? I find it amusing.)** world. She was not okay. The brunette detested the fact that he had to leave her constantly. Strangely enough, she saw him more often when they were both in school than when they were in their home city. Last summer, they'd barely seen each other as they were both busy reacquainting with their individual circle of friends. If it wasn't Serena or Nate, their respective best friends, keeping them busy, it was familial duty. Thanksgiving was no different as Chuck had spent the few days they had free in Italy with some friends negotiating for a marketing project in school.

"I miss him," Blair whispers to herself as she takes a bite of the apple pie she ordered at the street café.

Blair had decided to rest after purchasing last minute presents for her family and friends. For Eleanor, she'd found the perfect necklace at Tiffany's. She'd gotten Cyrus Rose, her stepfather, a pair of cufflinks and Aaron, her stepbrother, a colorful art history book. A vintage bracelet for Serena and some Hermes scarves for her other friends had been bought a couple of days earlier. Chuck's had been purchased before she returned to New York.

As Blair continues to review her Christmas list in her mind, she hears someone call her name. She turns and sees a familiar curly-haired and olive-skinned figure.

"Vanessa!"

"Blair! I haven't seen you in a couple of years!" the other girl says as she pulls out the chair opposite Blair's.

"Can't say I've missed you," Blair replies with a smirk. In truth, she had missed the girl. After that fiasco in senior year, Blair and Vanessa had come to a sort of truce. It probably also helped that the latter had ceased to be Nate Archibald's love interest. "Seriously though, where've you been all these years? You disappeared on us!"

"Yeah, well, middle-class life called. Said I was spoiling myself too much with UES company."

"Right." The brunette's voice dripped with sarcasm and both girls laugh heartily.

"I've been around. Literally!" With a squeal, Vanessa presents her right hand to Blair.

"Abrams! Why you – "

"Lucky bitch?"

"Yes, that. Well. Who would've known? Vanessa Abrams, Brooklyn's finest, a married woman."

"Yeah. Well..."

"I never expected it V! I mean, you were always so independent. It never entered my mind that you were the marrying early type."

"We're all full of surprises I think. Take you for example. You shocked the whole of New York when you traded Nate Archibald in for Chuck Bass." Blair raises her eyebrow and Vanessa adds with a laugh, "Not that I'm complaining or anything. It's just that it was really quite a surprise."

"Perhaps," the former Queen B replies. She changes the topic then and the two talk about other things. While Blair was busy with school, the former Brooklyn babe was kept on her feet as the wife of a young independent film director.

"It's all been great really. I love Jack. Truly."

"Well I'm happy for you. At least someone I know is getter her happily ever after," Blair replies primly.

"What about you? Aren't you and Chuck doing okay?"

"Well, we're actually doing well. Except – "

"Except?"

"Oh, I don't know. Things don't seem to be the same as of late."

"Really? From your Harvard stories, it seems like you two are having a nice time over there. He seems really sweet and in love with you, Blair."

"I don't doubt that. I am me after all," she says with a smirk. "Let's just say though that Chuck Bass isn't the same Chuck Bass we all knew back then."

"Isn't that a good thing? I mean, that old Chuck Bass was quite – oh, I don't know – an asshole."

"Well. Maybe. Yeah."

The truth was Blair didn't know how she felt about the whole situation. She had loved Chuck Bass – that much was sure. She still loved him – how much, she was no longer sure. Nate Archibald was her first love. She'd hoped when she was younger that he would also be her last. Things had screwed up UES style and she'd fallen for his bad boy best friend. It had started perhaps with a morbid fascination for Chuck's malevolent and hormonal ways. They'd devised many evil plots together and it didn't take long to see how alike they really were. Chuck proved to be the perfect way to get over Nate and his betrayal. The two of them were extremely different individuals, being with them gave her varied experiences. To get the farthest away from Nate Archibald, all Blair had to do was turn to his best mate.

Don't get her wrong though. Blair didn't spend the next four years after her tumultuous junior year with Chuck just to spite Nate or to have Chuck be some kind of rebound. While these thoughts did enter her mind a few months into their relationship, things started to change eventually. Halfway through senior year, Blair had realized that she actually loved Chuck for himself – rudeness, insolence, sexual fixation and all. He was a complex being, as complex as she was. She enjoyed the challenge he faced her with, the spirit with which he jumped into their relationship. Things hadn't been peachy but they'd be challenging. Blair Waldorf had always loved challenges.

"I miss him," Blair finally says to Vanessa.

"Who? Nate?"

"No, I don't mean him! I meant Chuck."

"Oh? But you spend a lot of time together in school, don't you?"

"Yeah, we do. We practically live together. Although my mother would skin me if she ever found that out."

"Well what's wrong then? Is it about the Aussie vacation he's taking that you told me about earlier?"

"Yes and no. Partly maybe but it isn't the whole picture."

"Go on then, tell me."

For a moment, Blair wonders why she is sharing so much about her relationship with Chuck to this girl before her. They managed to be good friends before but it cannot be denied that they are not the closest of friends now. She barely knows Vanessa and already she is telling the other girl about her problems with Chuck – problems she can't even share with her best friend. Then again, perhaps her distance from the Brooklyn girl is what makes it easier to talk to her. Vanessa isn't a real member of their circle. She has an outer view, a non-judgmental one if Blair is lucky. Blair takes a deep breath and the words tumble out.

"I miss who he was. In fact, I-I am not sure if I still love him as much Vanessa – if I do love him at all." Blair sees the shock in her friend's face but continues. "We had a good thing, Chuck and I. Despite our verbal fights and the numerous times we upset the hell out of each other, we had a lot of love. Sparks flied. Our relationship was so alive, you know? So vibrant. It was unlike anything I ever had before. Nate and I had a quiet relationship. It was one that had developed after time – years and years of being there for each other. There was comfort and quiet and near the end of it, perhaps boredom too. We spent so much of our lives together, knew so much about each other that I think – Oh, crap. Let's go back to the original topic. Chuck. Yes, well, as I said, what I had with him was different. It was challenging and it hurt and it was difficult but I loved it. He kept my adrenaline running, kept me on my toes. I was so happy!"

Vanessa places a hand on top of Blair's and gives the pretty girl a small smile. Blair sighs and continues.

"That first year of college was probably my favorite one. We studied and we partied and we fought – I had a hell lot of fun. He was sweet, in his Chuck Bass way – rough and edgy but very sexy. By sophomore year, things started changing. It was like Chuck suddenly woke up and decided it was time to be subdued. All of a sudden he started studying. Not that I found that very shocking – he's always had a good mind to him, despite the bad boy crap he pulls. He also decided to join more school activities, became active in a marketing management association. His new friends varied but for sure none of them were potheads. The lot of them still got into trouble but it wasn't with the same intensity."

"B, forgive me for interrupting but I think – well – I think he just grew up. Is that really so bad?"

"It shouldn't be. It shouldn't. But somehow to me it is. He's quieter now, you know. He still teases me but no more veiled insults, no more tartness. He's becoming so thoughtful, always getting me things, always saying sorry. It's quite disturbing actually! He's – "

"Turning into Nate?" Vanesa raises an inquisitive eyebrow.

"Yes, yes. Exactly."

"Well, I wouldn't think you'd find that unattractive. You did adore the Golden Boy before you know. Heck, I even did for a time."

"That's the problem. He's no Golden Boy. Chuck, I mean. I loved him because he wasn't Nate. Because he gave me something I didn't get from Nate. I adored Nate before for his sweetness and thoughtfulness but that was because that's what Nate was. That was him. Chuck on the other hand – Chuck's supposed to be wild. He used to give me huge headaches but I loved him for that anyway. Now he's turned into this guy, this shell of Chuck Bass. He loves me Vanessa but I think I loved him more when I wasn't sure if he did love me. The chase was wonderful but now that I'm where I'm supposed to be, I don't know what I want anymore."

Vanessa stands up and hugs the girl. Tears fall on Blair's made-up face but after a minute, she gathers herself and wipes them away. A few dabs of lip gloss and newly blushed-up cheeks later, the Upper East Side princess looks as regal as ever. "Thank you Vanessa. I – uh – think I have to go now." Blair managed to say a lot more this afternoon than she originally meant to. She figures she should go home before things got out of hand.

"Aww, Blair!" Vanessa says as she hugs Blair again. "Look, I won't tell anyone about what you said today. But I do have some solid advice for you. You and Chuck have been together for nearly four years. That's more than any of us ever expected. You two have been wonderful together. Maybe you're having problems right now - you know, some sort of commitment itch. But don't make any rash decisions, okay? And before you go do something, talk to him. I'm sure this isn't anything you two can't fix."

"Yes, well, I might have overacted a bit." Blair manages to smile and squeezes the girl's hand before gathering her numerous shopping bags and proceeding to walk home.

_Chuck is not Nate. Nate is not Chuck. The lines are blurring again. Will I have to decide which side I want once more_? Blair thinks as she enters a specialty store that she knew contained many interesting things about ships. The holidays are a time for gift-giving after all.

***

_Companions sometimes come in the strangest packages. It is when we feel most lonely that we find out that we are never truly alone._**A/N: Review? :)**


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